Stepping Away from the Shadow of Summer

For as long as I can remember, summer has always been my favourite time of the year. As a child, I impatiently awaited the few months of break from the same old, drab routine of school and studying. The summers of my childhood are full of images of coconut trees and ripe mangoes, fresh pickles, blooming flowers and the maze-like rooms of my grandparents’ house. I can still recall the restlessness that occupied my tiny body as my mother and I made the long journey to my grandparents’ town. I would run into my grandmother’s warm embrace, with only one thought consuming my mind: “I don’t want to leave”. Some of my happiest childhood memories are of the summers I spent with my grandparents and cousins. Right from the second when I would open my eyes in the morning to the moment I would drift off to sleep at night, everything was fun and exciting. Running around in the muddy gardens with my cousins, going on long scooter rides with my grandfather which would always end with ice cream and lovely stories that my grandmother would narrate as we all lay in bed. Summer was always something to look forward to, the beginning of something new; growing older and experiencing things I hadn’t before. I dreaded the end of summer vacations and leaving my grandparents behind for another year. This would, without a doubt, end with a copious amount of tears and a longing for the distant summer yet to come. 

The season of summer, for me, was embodied in my grandmother. Her warmth and her love has comforted me in a way that nothing else has been able to replace. With her passing a few years ago, summer lost all of its brightness and bliss. Losing her meant that I no longer had the person who felt like home to go back to. This drastic change arrived hand-in-hand with turning eighteen and getting used to a changing lifestyle as I transitioned from school to university and attempted to navigate my life in the pandemic. I remember feeling lost and aimless for a long, long time. Grieving for my grandmother was and continues to be a strange process. Somewhere along the way I got used to the gaping hole in my life and made uneasy peace with it. But, in the moments when the most random things remind me of her, it can be hard to fathom that one of the most important people in my life is no longer there to witness me as I cross many more milestones. Growing up has also complicated and convoluted the simple joys that summer brought with itself. The bittersweet feeling that almost always accompanies summer is sometimes a bit more bitter than sweet. I am not sure when the naivety, innocence and childish excitement faded away, but summers since I entered adulthood have been kind of lonely and bleak, consumed with a sense of unease and uncertainty about the future. Worries and concerns about my career have turned summer into a time of brooding and fighting with my family. I try to overcome these feelings and obstacles but finding the strength to do so can be such a formidable task. There still are times when I feel truly carefree and experience that sense of kiddish joy, but they seem more like fleeting moments, slipping out of my grasp before I’ve even had the chance to sincerely enjoy them. 

I don’t mean to sound so pessimistic about a time of the year that I, like many others, continue to look forward to and enjoy. Yet, the growing worries and life itself can be overwhelming at times. In those moments, I wish with all my heart to turn back into a child and hide in the safety of my grandmother’s arms. More realistically, however, I try to ground myself and think of those around me that I really care about and who care about me. As another summer comes to an end, I try to look at the silver lining and think of the good things that lie ahead. It can be difficult to maintain a positive outlook but thinking of my grandmother’s smile makes it a little easier. 

I think of summer as made up of many beginnings and endings. As one chapter of my life comes to an end, there is a certain sadness that weighs me down. But I hope that the next summer will arrive in all its glory and allow me to step away from the shadows that plagued me.