to the boy in 4th period

comparably we were never alike but starved and longing for the attention, 

you spoon fed me those side glances and crackling jokes as if we were anything but close

(i think i made you up inside my head)

you didn’t look like someone who could break my heart

because you didn’t 

no, you made me dread the quiet and i resorted to pressing my thumb onto the violet and soft ocean grass veins just to feel the thumping of my pulse and i flinched when your laughter bellowed through the halls and now i’m left grimacing at your name and muttering to god why in pity, he made me sit next to you

i never loved you and you never loved me 

this is a given

because i hated the person i was when i was with you - a girl of milk and bones dry heaving sprinkles of laughter till the period bell rang and your ego was filled

you never knew what i was feeling and that obliviousness was what you fell for

 but there's a boy

who passes me after 5th and onwards to 6th

i’m curious about him

we met at camp

when the preacher cried for god and we were dirtying our mouths with fistfuls of gummies till our stomachs ached and the cards ran out

he said he noticed me around the hallways

and i asked about his band

but you know what's strange, is that i didn’t feel looked down upon when i spoke to him, 

isn’t that funny

(you would laugh)

maybe because i didn’t feel like i was breaking my legs, my personality, for someone who never cared to begin with

maybe it took time to understand when to say no

(you always lived for the rush)

i’m older now and sometimes your voice still echoes beneath my eardrums

but i've learned to swat it away

i’m no longer weak to praise from indifferent eyes

i’m picking up the pieces of me you carelessly left behind

and i'm going to wave to the boy who passes me after 5th and onwards to 6th 

so thank you ex-crush, for teaching me that love wasn’t meant to be exhausting

xoxo,

the girl you always once smiled at