Fifteen (Chloe’s Version)
Fifteen was my favorite song at the start of my high school years–which, looking back, I find very fitting. I guess I really loved that it was telling a story. I was able to visualize what was happening so clearly that it felt movie-like. Obviously enraptured by Taylor’s vocals, it was very easy to sing along to; it also has become one of my favorites at karaoke. At 22 years old now, I find my initial feelings towards the song changed. What was once a song that brought hope and excitement, now brings nostalgia and longing. I’ve grown a lot between these years, and I can’t help but reflect on the person I was and aspire to become from here.
Looking back, Fifteen was quite unrelatable in a sense for me: I went to an all-girls high school, so there were no “senior boys,” no first kisses, and no “I love yous.” I felt for Abigail and Taylor, but I couldn’t say I experienced the same things. Regardless, I really loved the song because I found that it represented the start of something new. It was the beginning of high school, an exciting, but scary, experience was coming. It was a time to grow and discover just a little bit more about yourself; it was the start of one’s coming-of-age. My favorite lines in the song have to be, “and when you’re fifteen, feelin’ like there’s nothin’ to figure out / well, count to ten, take it in this is life before who you know who you’re gonna be / Fifteen”. Back then, it really did feel like there wasn’t much to figure out yet. And I also felt like I didn’t really know who I was going to be. I was just a teenager living, trying to get by day by day. The future felt so expansive and uncertain, but so exhilarating and bright. I really didn’t know what life was going to be like as an adult, so I really wanted to bask in my youth as much as possible.
Today, as a 22 year old girl (which also happens to be a significant Taylor Swift age), I reflect upon how much has changed or maybe even not changed. Fifteen is still my go-to karaoke song and still remains my favorite. Yet when I listen to it now, I feel like I’ve lost that excited feeling–that spark–from when I listened to it back then. Maybe it’s the dullness of the everyday, the changes in the world and my environment, or the changes in myself, but life doesn’t feel the same way it did when I first listened to Fifteen. Life feels so much smaller and sometimes dreadful. It saddens me; that feeling of the expansive and bright future, gone, now that I’ve arrived at the emergence of my early adulthood. And I know–it might sound pretty sad or obnoxious to feel this way when I’m still this young, but I can’t help it. And no, I don’t want to give the idea that high school was the best time of my life because it really wasn’t. I guess I just like to reminisce on the feelings it brought me.
Now that I’m here, just how different is being 22 from being 15? In a musical sense, 22 by Taylor Swift is a definite shift from Fifteen. While the song still emulates its movie-like qualities, 22 brings more of a “running around, dancing-like-there’s-no-tomorrow” comedy chick-flick vibe instead of its “coming-of-age drama” counterpart. I mean, I would personally consider that I’m still “coming of age” right now, but I recognize that I’ve grown and maybe got a little wiser just as Taylor has in between these two eras. When 22 came out, I was not even a teenager yet; 22 seemed so far away. The lyrics definitely flew over my head at the time–it was just a catchy song to dance/sing along to anyway. But now, I understand. Feeling “happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time” is just a glimpse into my tangled web of emotions. Now that I am at the forefront of my coming of age, I have no choice but to face adulthood. It’s intimidating and scary; the amount of times I’ve fallen into existential crises and questioned what I was going to do with my life were countless. But I realized that I should always keep my heart and soul open to what life may offer me. Regardless of what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be going, aging is a privilege that I cannot ignore. Each year that I come into, I grow and learn every time with all the experiences life brings me. Whatever era I may happen to be in, I strive to feel that spark and magic I once felt.
Today, I haven’t really wondered much about my future from here at age 22. However, I acknowledge that the spark I felt still exists within me–I just have to fan the flames a little. Maybe things can feel more expansive again if I just allow myself to. So, my hopes now are to really bask in my youth while I am still this young: make more memories, do things that I love to do, and surround myself with people that I love. I also still feel like I don’t know who I am–and to be honest, I feel like I won’t ever really know; I’ll just keep becoming myself over and over again. So yeah, I’m not fifteen anymore, and one day I won’t be twenty-two either. But what I do know is that regardless of what age, I will always be myself. And I guess that’s what truly matters.
Song Credits: Fifteen by Taylor Swift (2008), 22 by Taylor Swift (2013)