Pausing to Move Forward
Streaming services, microwaves, iTunes — these are all things that can be paused when it’s time to run to the restroom, respond to a text, or anything to generally disrupt the flow of something in process. Defined by Google as a temporary stop or interruption, I often hear the word “pause” applied to electronics as well as self-care. So for me, what should this mean? Does it mean I have to jump on a plane and fly to Bali? Or should I indulge in a 2-hour massage with seaweed wrap?
During the first week of January, the trend of choosing a 2023 word for the year seemed to clog my social media feed. And while I don’t claim the word “pause” as mine, it is also one that has started to take on a deeper meaning in my life. When I chose to pause several professional and personal aspects of my life last year, I dove deeper into parts of myself, previously hidden in my pursuit of accomplishment and distraction, which sometimes took from me that need for examination, reckoning, and healing.
Pausing doesn’t come easy for me. Priding myself as an overachiever, I find that pausing can often be anxiety-inducing. Grounding myself in meditation, for example, puts pressure on my tendency to run off and add another superficial task to my to-do list. I am forced to fight through the discomforts of reflecting on goals I keep putting off, to face habits and fears I have become ingrained in. Overall, pausing can sometimes feel unbearable, as critically questioning deeply-rooted assumptions forces me to grieve disappointments and loss; the self I thought I was and was going to be.
To sit with all this is difficult, and yet this work is necessary. I know that living a life filled with growth and hope also means being able to sit with the more unsavory parts of myself, along with cultivating space for self-appreciation and goals that truly matter. This is the opposite of how I have been taught to operate for the majority of life, but I know that 1) this work is lifelong, and 2) my life will be all the better for it.
Wish me luck!
