2020 Morning Routine of a Redundant Zillennial British East Asian
06:00 – Wake up from thud of stock market crash. Dramatically lay in bed for the next half an hour, thinking about mortgage rates.
06:30 – Alexa, play “stay woke” by Childish Gambino [lo-fi animal crossing remix, featuring X Æ A-12] to get yourself in a *~~big mood~~*. Immerse oneself in £199/month online self- actualisation and hedonism training course.
07:30 – Look into cracked mirror and set mantra for the day. Repeat to self 3 times: “The model minority myth has always been a convenient tactic to pretend that racism doesn’t exist.” Repeat this louder so your Chinese ancestors can hear you. Ecstatically punch fist into air.
07:35 – Take a shower and commence 10-step Korean skincare routine.
08:00 – Check up on secret toilet paper stock under bed in preparation for a second wave. Do a chef’s kiss for being a well-prepared pandemic queen.
08:05 – Take 1 optimised organic vegan protein supplement with 3 cups of celery juice. Continue with intermittent fast to maximise brain productivity and metaphysical consciousness. Eat half an almond if feeling extra naughty.
08:30 – Before the rise of middle-aged white men, take a brisk 10-minute walk whilst using overdraft bank statement as a face mask. Hold coughs and sneezes at all costs.
08:40 – Turn on notifications for extended family WeChat group. Scan through non-fact checked Chinese health tips and savage Aunties. Take 5 deep breaths to avoid stress and premature aging.
08:45 – Liquidate the landlord class, police, and other reactionary elements.
09:30 – Delete all wannabe empathy emails from capitalistic organisations. Laugh hysterically in the same room as your Macbook Pro and Amazon cardboard boxes.
10:00 – Continue with daily job search whilst streaming young millionaire Youtubers discuss their 6 income streams and pet micropigs. Shift mindset to immigrant parents to humbly motivate oneself. Eat other half of almond.
11:00 – Give up on employment to be extra quirky.
11:30 – Temporarily unplug from the matrix and wash hands.
12:00 – Lunch!
