22: the terrible twos
Birthdays are always fun when they are not yours. That’s when the addition of an extra candle does not feel like an ominous reminder of unaccomplished goals and time running out. That extra candle reflects a feeling that slowly creeps in, on the eve of your 20th birthday, and unceremoniously chooses to stay with you for the next decade. Dropping the teen at the end of your age seems like the end of an era: an era that saw witness to your first heartbreak, your newfound independence in the shape of your dad’s old car and an unflinching need to be taken seriously by the adults in your life. It is with great displeasure I report that the confidence finally cultivated in your late teens once again seems to dissipate as you find yourself standing tentatively at the entrance of a new decade.
I am writing this two months away from turning 22, consolidating my departure from Taylor Swift’s music and soapy teen dramas or anything else that encapsulates the essence of adolescence. The confusion of the liminal period between adolescence and adulthood forces a return to old comforts and it was not long before I found myself cooped up in my room with Taylor’s new album wondering how the clock had sped up too fast for me to catch up to it. The time between yesterday and tomorrow —midnight — represents a dazed transition that is filled with dreams, fear and hopes, much like our 20s. The catharsis felt at midnight when we cannot control our overactive imaginations from vacillating between self-love and self-loathing is parallel to the ambivalence and insecurity that comes with leaving behind the shelter of your youth and embracing the new journey of adulthood.
Dear reader, I would suggest never taking advice from someone who has a predilection for nights where sleep is as elusive a concept as happiness and self-torment is the companion of choice. I still hope my words are able to bring you comfort and propel you to move forward because what’s a 20-something old to do? Except make every mistake possible and somehow come back stronger than a 90s trend.
A Place in This World
The start of your 20s is usually marked by someone mispronouncing your name at graduation as you walk across the stage. The happiness of leaving behind 3 am study sessions and Kraft Dinner meals soon morphs into dread when the realization finally strikes: you are once again leaving the life you have grown accustomed to and stepping into the unknown. After 4 long years, you finally learned how to navigate university, but, unfortunately, that seniority does not translate outside your post-secondary life.
Your 20s are a strange time. Some friends are fighting for entry-level jobs, while others go back to school or go on to get married. It is easy to believe you are falling behind when comparing yourself to others. However, the truth is that success needs to be defined by your terms. It is futile to aspire to the life others have if it leaves you discontent and uninspired. Your path is unique to you and the yearning to live someone else’s life robs you of your individualism— the most valuable gift you can share. The world awaits to cherish your mind, your art, your creativity, and revel in your experiences. While some of us enjoy skipping to the end of the book when we read, most of us understand each part of the plot has meaning: lessons to learn, laughter to share, and moments to savour. We excitedly anticipate how the story will unfold because rarely is the ending as fulfilling as the journey. The journey cannot always be understood, and our life’s trajectory may not coincide with our peers but there is yet to be a math equation or scientific theory that can solve the complexities of existing. We must surrender to the beauty of this nonsensical time and trust we will grow to find our place in this world.
Would’ve, Could’ve, Should've
Allow yourself experiences now. Life should not wait to start once we believe we are worthy of it. The brazen truth about life is that it refuses to wait for you while you are in pursuit of perfection. So, do not wait to buy that outfit until you believe you have reached your ideal body, do not wait to go on vacation until you have more friends or to apply for your dream job because you perceive yourself to be unqualified. You do not have to earn the thrill of life, it already belongs to you, and if we are not careful we might find ourselves brimming with regret about what we would’ve could’ve should’ve done.
You are on Your Own Kid
In your 20s, your identity is often defined by groups we feel a part of or our ambitions. So, it is unsurprising that when we inevitably lose them, we desperately search for new labels to authenticate our identity. You will lose friends whose numbers you still know by heart, get laid off from your dream job, realize you have no clue what it actually means to be you when the things you define yourself by are stripped away from you without warning. It is in this transformational season of life that you will have the most growth and build your most important asset—your identity. Investing in your identity is the first step in acquiring your inner confidence. Learning to be sure of yourself, your values and your judgment is the only social currency that sets you apart from others. You have the opportunity to master being alone and detach from the part of yourself that believes your value is inextricably linked to your profession, dating life or other social roles. You belong to yourself first and learning to feel secure in the absence of others is your newfound independence. Life will demand you to show up for yourself over and over again sometimes through disappointing friends or intimate partners but worry not this is the exact path you will need to take to become your own sanctuary.
I Forgot That You Existed
We spend a large amount of our lives yearning to be chosen with the same conviction we show others. We want to be told that we belong somewhere. This is especially pertinent in our 20s when we do not fit into our social roles comfortably yet. Our identity has not been fully cultivated. It is important to not sustain the habit of choosing people who are indifferent to our presence. Someone’s lack of interest in or care for you does not mean that you will be mindlessly forgotten for the rest of your life. Sometimes, you realize that you have been seeking acceptance at the wrong table. We cannot convince someone to love us, or force them into choosing us. It is easy to take their apathy as rejection but their failure to appreciate our value does not make us any less deserving. You deserve friends who look out for you, co-workers that support you and partners who defend you. In our 20s we are malleable and it is easy to take advantage of these still-developing adults who are navigating life on their own for the first time. By the end of this decade, I wish for you to strengthen the voice that sets boundaries and is not scared of saying no. Choosing to walk away when you are not pursued back as ruthlessly as you deserve.
Fearless
As we get older we learn to silence our instincts. Previous rejections leave us scared of wanting something too enthusiastically, wondering if we come across as too strong or too interested and show we care. As a society, we have bred a generation that views nonchalance as social capital. We cannot block out every emotion in order to protect ourselves from not getting hurt. In our 20s we become excellent at compartmentalizing those feelings, pushing them away instead of figuring out what they so desperately hope to reveal to us. Emotions are gifts that are meant to be expressed. They keep us safe, and fill our lives with passion yet we choose to punish ourselves for expressing such vulnerability. I hope somewhere in our 20s we can relearn to be as emotionally fearless as we were at 15. Choosing to live loudly, unapologetically, celebrating the heartache and anguish that make us aware of just how alive we are.
Begin Again
As a teenager life feels infinite— time does not feel fleeting, dreams still feel attainable and failure is yet to be experienced. Therefore we are wholly unprepared when we have our first encounter with rejection. We believe that we lost our only chance and fail to see we only lost a singular opportunity of accomplishing a broader goal. Our potential still exists and does not diminish in the face of rejection. There is still time to change your major, make new friends, replace your dreams with new ones, and leave behind relationships if they no longer serve you. Starting over does not indicate expunging all your hard work and growth. It means presenting yourself with a new path, a brand new opportunity to reinvent yourself. Sometimes we are too overwhelmed in counting everything we lost to realize we may have outgrown our initial vision.
Never Grow Up
In our 20s we are often told this is your peak; enjoy your metabolism and wrinkle-free forehead as it does not last forever! We are forced to internalize the idea that this is as good as life can possibly get. Society forces us to fixate on our youth, leaving us petrified of turning older. While still under enormous pressure in your 20s, you are spared from facing harsh accountability over your mistakes. It is endearingly deemed as the decade of ill-advised extemporaneous decisions and critical life lessons. The affection of growing up however soon runs out and the expectation of perfect maturity kicks in. It is in these moments we have to remind ourselves that we are constantly evolving and no age brings with it all the right answers. While you may no longer be a 19-year-old ingenue that does not mean your time ran out. You have yet to taste your new favourite meal or travel to your new favourite destination. The exciting novelty of life’s adventures does not pass you by because you are getting older.
Although the anxiety of getting older does not become easier, we have to remind ourselves that we are living the life our younger selves could only imagine. But this is us trying. We have overcome struggles and found solutions for problems that we thought there was no turning back from. While we might struggle every day under the weight of the life we imagined and the life we are living, we can still be proud of the sacrifices it took to get here in the first place. We will continue learning to become more confident in ourselves, our art and the beauty of what we offer the world. Inevitably, doubt will still persist, we will not have most of the answers, and there will still be moments that bring us back to the nervousness of the first day in high school when we knew nothing about the journey we were about to embark on. Still, there is a certain freedom in this. We are blank slates, navigating our identities and place in the world.
Maybe, by the end of this, we will be left with relationships that stood the test of time, lessons that taught us more than any degree and the belief that we outlast our struggles. So, go forth and do with this era whatever your heart and mind can conjure up.
