My Fearest and Dearest

Dear, fearful Person/feared Person:

Do you hate me for who I am?

No. it’s just-

you only love me when I’m the person I’m not-

the person you’re not,

is the person I know myself to be.

In a world, alone.

No one to stay and love me properly.

I could fold every earlobe, cement it shut,

there’s no more noise forever,

the gentlest of hums barely registers

Yet-

I cannot unhear myself.

Though I’ve heard you on repeat for centuries

I could erase the aroma of baí hūa yóu, crisp cut citrus belly,

bamboo leaves, steamed pillowy noodles-

give in to sickening sweetness, force fed dullness,

placid processed flesh

Yet-

I cannot forget my own flesh.

Though you snarl, how disgusting

I could blind my eyes and lie I can’t see-

though I see gray the whole time-

I can feed you lies, sold as truth

Yet-

I cannot lie to myself.

Though you lie and lie to my face

How can you hate me for who I am?

No. it’s just-

you don’t see how you love me-

when you’re the person you could be,

the person I know myself to be.

In a world divided.

Is no one sorry?

Stay.

Learn to love me properly.

I could break into a thousand bones splintered,

crushed to dust, scattered whisps

break across an ocean drift.

Yet-

I cannot destroy myself.

Though I’ve tried, it’s just pain gone wild

I could numb every nerve, firing synapse,

electrify this vascular vessel of chemicals,

precision lobotomy- I forgot, and forget

to prepare, propaganda’s future, algorithm feelings

Yet-

I can feel myself, with dopamine, glittering galaxy of amines.

Though you tell me I’ll never feel again

I could rip each bud, buffer, buffs

tongue impossibly smooth wipes clean away,

infinite flavors of youth, of love, that turn bitterness sweet,

cheaply paraded as your own

Yet-

I can taste myself from the worn, tan relentless hands of HER,

through HEr,

through Her,

and

through her

Though you to promise to chain her into submission

You can’t hate me for who I am.

No. it’s just-

you will love me for the person you’re becoming-

the person you are,

is the person I know myself to be.

In this world alone?

No. One together.

To stay and love properly.