The Monster in the Mirror
Trigger warning for bullying and eating disorders
It wasn’t often that I got occasional visits by the monster in the mirror, but it was almost safe to say that it didn’t talk that much. Just stared. Sometimes it would last only a mere couple of minutes to a whole day as I see it crawl through windows, swim through puddles and ghost over screens. Needless to say that those days were always the worst as each step or glance was almost always accompanied with a sly, sharp remark that aimed to nitpick at the smallest little detail and or shoot disapproving grimaces that I unfortunately caught from the corner of my eye. It almost became a routine to take notice of the creature, sigh and go ahead with the rest of the day until it realised that its curt comments were only being met with a cold shoulder and sulkingly retreat to the shadows, until pouncing to the next opportunity to continue again.
Although it wasn’t always like this, the presence of the monster never felt wrong or unfamiliar. As if it was always there…I mean I may be over simplifying it to the max and should possibly get it checked out, but the earliest encounter that I could only muster was during my younger years when I took a too long look at the mirror and saw a tiny (not so tiny), two eyed, almost putrid yellow-ish skinned hairy monster that quickly latched itself on my shoulder and imitated me grabbing the ‘fat’ of my arms to pointing the many acne scars that scattered over my face, as well as taking into account of my visibly abundance of hair that dispersed from my forehead to my arms laughing….mockingly. Ever since then it was obvious that it wasn’t going to go any sooner, so why not accept it?
Most people (especially Asian children) growing up already experience unnecessary comments from ‘family members’ that feel as if it’s their duty to make assumptions of us or remarks on whether we had either gained or lost weight from the last gathering, which to most ultimately leads to the eventual downward spiral of a not so wonderful thing called insecurities. Insecurities that one may not know would have until it has been pointed out and teased for a couple of minutes, until the aunties find a new prey to scourge.
In a way the monster was always there, but not in the presence of an actual mythical being that I always saw, but as the embodiment of the people that I considered family.
The normalisation of body shaming can somewhat be traced as a product of generational trauma that caused them to inflict those harsh words to everyone around them, which then get’s passed on and on and on to people that you call friends, co-workers and even strangers that you only see once, but have a built-in opinion of you based on corrupt views. For me, living in a multi-generational household held me subject to multiple comments of my weight and appearance, which ultimately got worse upto a breaking point during the Covid-19 lockdown, were I had gained some weight, due to stress and mental health and instead of being showered with comforting and supportive comments that aimed to help me, my family only made me plummet into my anorexic and bulimic self. I saw the monster that I had once been able to keep at bay make itself towards me once again looking at the mirror with the familiar evil smirk filled with insults that were just ready to be let out, at this point I just let it happen, as I did when I was still a child.
I know this may be a very crap way to end my article, but as my job as a writer I should tell the truth and it would be a lie to say that I had automatically gotten better. I’m still trying. Trying to fix my relationship with food; trying to fix my mental health; trying to fix the way I look at my body and come to terms with the monster of course. But, I think I’m getting there. I even was able to name my monster : “Bob”. Very original I know, but at the moment it was funny.
The courage to notice you have a problem is one step to the treacherous road to recovery that not many people notice and should be congratulated and not seen as a sign of weakness. However, long it may take for one to notice it and be fully recovered can take as long as it can. There is no race or time limit.
