A hazed memory
I remember vaguely, in a moment in time, where my family was once together for dinner. My Lolo (grandfather), Lola (Grandmother), me, my father, mother, sister and uncles and their respective families squeezed themselves in a 6-seater table, shoulders touching and passing down mountains of food that seemed to come out endlessly as we laughed and chatted about almost everything and anything. By first impression, this could look to be a typical happy depiction of a picture-perfect family and a memory that one would treasure and even hold dear in their heart’s yet for me, it will only remain a vague daze, pushed to the depths of my memories and only re-imagined through my series of words and sentences that are currently trying to recollect the spare details through this article. A fact that could - if better put into words - would imply that I do not remember much of what had happened during that family dinner, other than stupid, funny little quips, such as how my little sister had bunk'd her after school detention to go to the shopping mall and got caught by our grandfather when he was walking back home from getting a haircut, or how my mum had gotten her tissue set a lit when leaning a little too close to the candle to try and reach for the lumpia (spring roll). Moments that would till this day have me bite my lips in hopes to stifle the little giggles that would struggle to fall out, until I find myself strolling too far down memory lane and the one sentence dressed in scarlet letters fill my head: “It’s not natural!”. That’s when it hit me. The exemplified huffs in approval. Messy, food-covered mouths jeering in agreement. The feeling of shame as embarrassment stretched over my face; remembering the sinking feeling with each passing comment that pulled the conversation longer, before moving on to the next.
For a deeply closeted 12 year old that couldn’t comprehend why she felt her heart skip a beat when she overheard the pretty girl in her English class, laughed at a dumb joke that her friends made or how she had received an unexpected DM from said girl, after commenting a compliment to her cringe-worthy Insta picture commemorating the Schuyler sisters from the broadway play: ‘Hamilton’ and couldn’t stop smiling for a week. It was less than ideal to be sitting in a room among the people, who are promised to love and support you unconditionally, openly ridicule the LGBTQI+ community and in hand make you indirectly feel as though your attraction wasn’t made for society. So, maybe that’s why I chose to resent my feelings. Digging them deep in hopes that they would weather away and force my interests to lay elsewhere. But, you know what they say, the deeper you bury your feelings, the stronger they become. A saying that I wouldn’t know I needed to face until the fateful day I was asked the most important question anyone could receive. “What would you like to watch tonight?”.
From here ‘Everything Everywhere all at Once’ was probably one of the most obvious choice for a film snob, who’s heard of the rave reviews, TikToks and Twitter tweets congratulating the film in its fantastical, multi-dimensional plot and heart- warming performances by a star-studded cast consisting of Michelle Yeoh, Ke Huy Quan, Stephanie Hsu, James Hong and Jamie Lee Curtis that has already gotten 11 Academy award nominations, 10 BAFTAs, 13 Critics’ Choice Movie Awards, six Golden Globe Awards and five SAG awards, making it the best movie of 2022, according to both netizens and Insider. Making it a no brainer must watch, much to the displeasure of my sister and dad, who didn't try to hide their constant glances to their phone, in search for a more 'interesting' view, claiming that the movie was too complicated and hard to follow, which could be no further from the truth, to say that I could be biassed to side with a movie, who's major storyline followed the treacherous journey of queer acceptance and identity in an Asian family, yet the moment that I found myself standing a little straighter was one line. Well, more like a question.
"You're still hung up with the fact that I like girls in this world?"
It felt as if time stopped. The memories of my constant inner battles and that specific dinner came flooding in at once, as I looked at Jobu Tupaki (an interdimensional being of unrivalled cosmic chaos, played by Stephanie Hsu) wearing a stereotypical Elvis Presley costume, covered in blood and glitter, staring at Evelyn (her 'mother', played by Michelle Yeoh) in disbelief and heartbreak after having just committed mass-murder, killing three people in a way that would rival and question the laws of physics, space and time and the only thing that Evelyn could muster is the topic of her sexuality. Specifically, blame Jobu Tupaki on the reason why Joy is gay and dismiss her feelings as nothing short of a phase.
More than 6 out of 10 API youth are immigrants or children of immigrants themselves. Many of whom find coming out a lifelong process that can require multiple different approaches and times, due to cultural norms and traditions that emphasise duty to family and community, which many may feel significantly indebted and pressured to by their parents, who left their home countries, family and friends in search of a better life for their children, so they could be open to have greater educational and occupational opportunities. This ultimately leads to the fear of disappointing their parents, as well as shaming the family by not conforming to societal expectations that are deeply rooted in misogyny and sexism that is reinforced through generations, in the form of generational trauma. And, when we do come out it is almost typical for all Asian parents to respond with the same sentence: “I am not happy about it , but you are still my child”. A sentence that was preached by Evelyn during the start of the movie as we see her (reluctantly) acknowledge Joy’s queerness by gaslighting her by noting how “very lucky your mum is open to you dating a girl”, whilst at the same time deliberately misgendering Becky (Joy’s girlfriend, played by Tallie Mendel) as ‘he’, and going out of her way to prevent Joy from introducing Becky to Gong Gong (the patriarch of the family and Evelyn’s father - played by James Hong) out of sense of shame. Whether this could be seen as a sort of protection of what Gong Gong could react or just to protect herself (Evelyn), actress: Stephanie Hsu, explains her own view of her role (Joy/Jobu Tupaki) by saying:
“Parents have such a deep desire to protect that sometimes their protection actually becomes incredibly harmful”
It is an unspoken language in Asian culture that we don’t express our love often, or don’t resort to the traditional verbal communication of that ‘simple’ three letter word to come out so casually. Yet, in its place, we find moments. I for one find a bowl of cut up mangoes and persimmon (my favourite fruits) neatly cut beside my study desk when I’ve come trudging to my bedroom, face having said everything that my word’s didn’t, and when I leave my bedroom, bowl in hand, I glance up to my grandfather. A silence that can speak to thousands. Yet, ‘Everything Everywhere All At Once’ does the opposite. It’s loud. Rambunctious and chaotic. When Evelyn attempts to find a way to get through Jobu/Joy, she understands that she can only do so by understanding how important it is to love Joy for who she is and does so by finally introducing Becky to Gong Gong as Joy’s girlfriend. However, this doesn’t seem to ‘fix’ anything as Joy feels so overcome with nihilism and hurt that what her mother had just done seemed to be point-blank; as if she could be anything, anywhere, why would she choose to be here and as her mother? Evelyn only has one thing to say: “Of all the places I could be, I still want to be here with you”. She says proudly and loudly, hugging her daughter in the middle of a parking lot.
The simple gesture made a community cry. The sentence that so many of us want to hear. The meaning. The authenticity that leaked through every word. Evelyn finally understands and that is all we need.
