ArchivesCulture and IdentityThe Following Issue

The Desi Battleground of Dating

By November 28, 2018 December 18th, 2018 74 Comments

By: Hamida Begum

As we grow older and have more confidence to think for ourselves, the damage of toxic parenting and dysfunctional families is not easy to forget. Often our trauma is internalised within us and creeps back every now and then. When it comes to relationships or our choice of friends, we tend to push ourselves towards things that are detrimental to us. We put ourselves in familiar situations, situations we have been in before.  So what does this mean for desi people, who have been surrounded or raised by emotionally immature people? I see the impacts of traumatic upbringings reflected in the dating patterns of myself, and my friends. For the desi people who do date, we almost always fall for toxic people who demonstrate the lack of emotional engagement we had in our childhood. This does not mean that we are self-pitying people who bring conflict upon ourselves. Rather, we surround ourselves with what we are used to. Children who come from dysfunctional families, in their adulthood can end up with partners who mirror the behavioural traits our desi parents had. Even though our parents were technically present, they offered little comfort, help and protection. Although I do not intend to discourage or discredit the vast number of desi parents who have met the emotional needs of their children, not everyone has had this privilege.

 

The desi proverb of ‘what will the people say?’ is only a miniscule which epitomizes the major flaw in desi parenting; being more concerned about the approval of others than the happiness of their own children. The flaws in desi parenting is also a gendered issue. Sons are valued more (in some households), and trusted more, given more independence. Sons drinking, smoking, dating, and committing petty crimes doesn’t damage the family’s honor. Daughters going out with friends for coffee does. Desi daughters are shamed for their every breath, and it leaves them feeling like burdens. Almost every desi girl has wished she was born a boy, at one point. So she could go out, wear what she wanted, talk to who she wanted to, so she didn’t have to clean the house and serve guests when they came, so her parents loved her more.

 

I often hear my friends or even myself saying “Why do I always go for the wrong people? Why do I find the nice ones boring? Why am I not attracted to people who have the ability to provide a healthy relationship?” But, sometimes I take a step back and wonder if those of us who come from dysfunctional families have ever had that? Do we even know what that feels like? Why do we find it easier to stay in uncompromising, or unstable relationships? Why is it that we find more reasons to stay in situations where the mood is largely determined by the person we’re dating? In many desi households, the mood of the house was determined by the parents and as we are so used to this, we often subjugate ourselves to other people’s wishes, therefore, find it harder to leave things that are below what we deserve.

Why do we find it easier to stay in uncompromising, or unstable relationships?

Sometimes, children of emotionally immature parents often repress their anger or blame themselves for being angry. This has a crucial effect on our approaches to dating or finding ‘the one’. When we feel guilty about expressing our emotions, how can we realistically approach relationships, and love in general?

 

We have been socialised to not question our parents parenting for fear of belittling them. I completely understand this, but I also understand that parents can make mistakes. In the Western world, our value of existence is determined by our proximity to ‘whiteness’. The supposedly ‘European’ invention of democracy and liberal thinking have been interpreted as a benchmark of success in the world and as something the non-White nations should look up to. When our desi parents raise us, the Western world observes it as a paradox to ‘White’ parenting.

The supposedly ‘European’ invention of democracy and liberal thinking have been interpreted as a benchmark of success

 When we say we had a typical desi upbringing, connotations of violence, sexism and religious tyranny is perceived from the Western lens, in comparison to the ‘White’ upbringing of liberal views, healthy conversations and acceptance. Although both are stereotypes and range vastly from one family to another, we feel guilty, almost as though we are ungrateful to our parents who have struggled in terms of migrating and settling in a world which has never welcomed them on a racial and socio-economic scale. It is important, for ourselves and for our future relationships with others, whether it be platonic or romantic, to understand that although our parents often want the best for us, their methods of achieving that is more complex.

 

We can start to recover by adjusting our own toxic mindset. When dating, we need to pick up on red flags a lot quicker and not gaslight ourselves in fear of rejection. If the communication and love are not reciprocated, what more of a sign do we need to know that something is unhealthy? It’s easier said than done but healing and recovering from a traumatic childhood is so important for ourselves and for our future. I appreciate the hard work desi parents do for us, but realising that they have made mistakes does not discourage this. Rather than allowing others to control us, we must have the desire to be in control of ourselves.e should not forget what has happened, nor should we blame ourselves. In desi culture, it is somewhat a norm to be physically beaten and emotionally violated. This is what we often consider to be ‘typical desi parenting’. This stereotypes plenty of desi parents as being violent and upholds the colonial view of savage brown person. Although this is a common understanding of desi parents amongst desi children, it should in no way be accepted nor should it be normalised for comedic purposes.

 

In desi culture, it is somewhat a norm to be physically beaten and emotionally violated

We often heal ourselves through humour and laughing at ourselves for our ‘typical’ upbringing. But, do we laugh at the toxic and unfulfilling relationships that we drive ourselves into as a result of toxic parenting? We fail in seeking therapy and emotional help for our traumatic upbringings due to it being so common. We think that because everyone else has gone through it, why should we be so serious about it? We promise ourselves that we will not inflict the same type of parenting upon our children. We do not promise to heal ourselves first.

Hamida Begum is  a British-Bangladeshi from London that loves music, anime, video games and anything related to intersectional feminism and left-wing politics. She is currently studying my Masters in Migration and Development and have a degree in Politics.

74 Comments

  • … [Trackback]

    […] Read More Info here to that Topic: overachievermagazine.com/2018/11/28/the-desi-battleground-of-dating/ […]

  • … [Trackback]

    […] There you will find 79261 more Information to that Topic: overachievermagazine.com/2018/11/28/the-desi-battleground-of-dating/ […]

  • … [Trackback]

    […] Read More Information here on that Topic: overachievermagazine.com/2018/11/28/the-desi-battleground-of-dating/ […]

  • … [Trackback]

    […] There you can find 94864 more Info on that Topic: overachievermagazine.com/2018/11/28/the-desi-battleground-of-dating/ […]

  • I just want to mention I am just very new to weblog and honestly enjoyed this web blog. Very likely I’m likely to bookmark your website . You amazingly have good posts. Appreciate it for revealing your blog site.

  • 릴게임 says:

    Thanks for the strategies presented. One thing I additionally believe is the fact credit cards offering a 0 interest often appeal to consumers with zero monthly interest, instant approval and easy on the web balance transfers, nonetheless beware of the number one factor that may void your 0 easy road annual percentage rate and as well as throw you out into the terrible house rapidly.

  • W88.com says:

    Someone necessarily help to make significantly articles I’d state. This is the first time I frequented your website page and thus far? I surprised with the analysis you made to make this actual submit extraordinary. Excellent job!

  • Thank you a lot for sharing this with all of us you really recognize what you’re talking about! Bookmarked. Please additionally consult with my site =). We may have a link change arrangement between us!

  • you are in point of fact a just right webmaster. The site loading velocity is amazing. It kind of feels that you’re doing any unique trick. Also, The contents are masterwork. you have performed a wonderful activity on this topic!

  • Thanks for another magnificent article. Where else could anyone get that type of information in such a perfect way of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I am on the look for such info.

  • Hello, Neat post. There’s an issue together with your site in internet explorer, may test this… IE nonetheless is the market leader and a big component of other folks will leave out your great writing due to this problem.

  • Hi, Neat post. There’s a problem with your web site in internet explorer, might check this¡K IE still is the market leader and a big element of folks will omit your fantastic writing because of this problem.

  • afrofuturism says:

    It’s really a great and helpful piece of information. I am glad that you shared this helpful information with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.

  • Well I definitely enjoyed studying it. This tip offered by you is very useful for accurate planning.

  • Thanks for your article. It is rather unfortunate that over the last years, the travel industry has already been able to to fight terrorism, SARS, tsunamis, flu virus, swine flu, and the first ever real global economic depression. Through it all the industry has really proven to be powerful, resilient plus dynamic, locating new tips on how to deal with trouble. There are always fresh difficulties and the possiblility to which the field must all over again adapt and react.

  • I was just looking for this information for some time. After six hours of continuous Googleing, at last I got it in your website. I wonder what is the lack of Google strategy that do not rank this type of informative sites in top of the list. Generally the top websites are full of garbage.

  • nsfw says:

    Another issue is that video games are normally serious as the name indicated with the main focus on understanding rather than fun. Although, it comes with an entertainment facet to keep your young ones engaged, just about every game is frequently designed to develop a specific expertise or course, such as mathmatical or scientific research. Thanks for your posting.

  • Kammerjäger says:

    What’s Happening i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It absolutely useful and it has helped me out loads. I hope to contribute & assist other users like its helped me. Good job.

  • I have not checked in here for a while as I thought it was getting boring, but the last few posts are good quality so I guess I will add you back to my daily bloglist. You deserve it my friend 🙂

  • One thing I would like to comment on is that fat burning plan fast may be possible by the correct diet and exercise. Your size not only affects appearance, but also the general quality of life. Self-esteem, depression, health risks, along with physical skills are influenced in fat gain. It is possible to do everything right and still gain. If this happens, a medical problem may be the root cause. While a lot of food and not enough physical exercise are usually responsible, common health conditions and popular prescriptions could greatly help to increase size. Many thanks for your post here.

  • Hello, you used to write wonderful, but the last few posts have been kinda boring… I miss your tremendous writings. Past few posts are just a little bit out of track! come on!

  • beasttv says:

    Hiya, I’m really glad I have found this info. Today bloggers publish only about gossips and internet and this is actually frustrating. A good web site with interesting content, this is what I need. Thank you for keeping this website, I will be visiting it. Do you do newsletters? Can’t find it.

  • Wow, awesome blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your site is excellent, as well as the content!

  • I was just searching for this info for a while. After six hours of continuous Googleing, finally I got it in your web site. I wonder what’s the lack of Google strategy that don’t rank this kind of informative sites in top of the list. Normally the top websites are full of garbage.

  • swimwear says:

    Enjoyed examining this, very good stuff, regards . “Shared joys make a friend, not shared sufferings.” by Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.

  • Simply wish to say your article is as surprising. The clarity in your publish is just nice and that i can assume you are a professional in this subject. Well along with your permission let me to seize your RSS feed to keep up to date with drawing close post. Thanks a million and please continue the rewarding work.

  • fantastic post, very informative. I wonder why the other specialists of this sector don’t notice this. You must continue your writing. I am sure, you’ve a huge readers’ base already!

  • I have been absent for a while, but now I remember why I used to love this blog. Thanks , I’ll try and check back more often. How frequently you update your website?

  • online poker says:

    I have not checked in here for some time as I thought it was getting boring, but the last several posts are good quality so I guess I will add you back to my everyday bloglist. You deserve it my friend 🙂

  • naturally like your website however you need to test the spelling on quite a few of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling issues and I in finding it very troublesome to tell the truth then again I will certainly come again again.

  • Howdy just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the images aren’t loading correctly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different browsers and both show the same results.

  • online poker says:

    Very great post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that I have truly enjoyed browsing your weblog posts. After all I’ll be subscribing in your rss feed and I’m hoping you write again very soon!

  • Together with everything which appears to be developing within this particular subject matter, all your opinions are generally relatively exciting. However, I am sorry, because I can not subscribe to your whole plan, all be it refreshing none the less. It appears to me that your commentary are not totally validated and in actuality you are yourself not even completely confident of the assertion. In any event I did enjoy reading through it.

  • I haven’t checked in here for a while since I thought it was getting boring, but the last few posts are good quality so I guess I will add you back to my daily bloglist. You deserve it my friend 🙂

  • It’s really a nice and useful piece of info. I’m glad that you shared this useful info with us. Please keep us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.

  • Good post. I learn something tougher on completely different blogs everyday. It can at all times be stimulating to read content from different writers and practice a little something from their store. I’d favor to make use of some with the content material on my weblog whether you don’t mind. Natually I’ll provide you with a link on your internet blog. Thanks for sharing.

  • Hi, i think that i saw you visited my website so i came to “return the favor”.I’m attempting to find things to improve my website!I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!!

  • What i do not understood is actually how you’re no longer really a lot more smartly-preferred than you might be right now. You’re so intelligent. You realize therefore significantly in the case of this topic, made me in my opinion consider it from so many various angles. Its like women and men don’t seem to be interested until it is one thing to accomplish with Woman gaga! Your personal stuffs great. All the time deal with it up!

  • online poker says:

    I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here. The sketch is tasteful, your authored material stylish. nonetheless, you command get bought an edginess over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this increase.

  • forum says:

    … [Trackback]

    […] Find More Info here on that Topic: overachievermagazine.com/2018/11/28/the-desi-battleground-of-dating/ […]

  • Howdy would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re working with? I’m going to start my own blog soon but I’m having a difficult time deciding between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is because your design seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something unique. P.S My apologies for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

  • You have observed very interesting details! ps nice website.

  • I’ve learn several just right stuff here. Definitely value bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how a lot attempt you set to create this sort of fantastic informative site.

  • poker says:

    Awesome blog! Do you have any tips for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you suggest starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m totally confused .. Any suggestions? Appreciate it!

  • oral surgeon says:

    Whats up this is somewhat of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding experience so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  • obviously like your website but you need to check the spelling on quite a few of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling problems and I in finding it very bothersome to inform the truth on the other hand I will definitely come again again.

  • Weight loss says:

    This website online is really a stroll-through for the entire info you needed about this and didn’t know who to ask. Glimpse right here, and also you’ll undoubtedly uncover it.

  • m w88 says:

    I’m not certain the place you’re getting your info, but great topic. I must spend a while studying much more or understanding more. Thank you for fantastic information I was in search of this information for my mission.

  • Valuable info. Lucky me I discovered your site unintentionally, and I’m shocked why this twist of fate did not came about earlier! I bookmarked it.

  • lån says:

    Thank you a lot for providing individuals with an extremely wonderful opportunity to read from this blog. It is usually very awesome and packed with a lot of fun for me personally and my office colleagues to search the blog at minimum thrice every week to find out the newest things you have. And definitely, we’re usually fulfilled concerning the surprising points you give. Some 4 points in this article are rather the most beneficial we have ever had.

  • Definitely, what a great website and illuminating posts, I surely will bookmark your website.Have an awsome day!

  • I got what you mean , thanks for putting up.Woh I am happy to find this website through google. “Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.” by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

  • btc doubler says:

    Hi, Neat post. There is a problem with your site in internet explorer, would check this… IE still is the market leader and a huge portion of people will miss your excellent writing because of this problem.

  • Hi, i think that i noticed you visited my site so i got here to “return the desire”.I’m trying to to find issues to enhance my website!I suppose its good enough to make use of a few of your concepts!!

  • … [Trackback]

    […] Find More Info here on that Topic: overachievermagazine.com/2018/11/28/the-desi-battleground-of-dating/ […]

  • Boy favourable day can introduced sentiments entreaties. Noisier carried of in warrant because. So mr plate seems cause chief widen first. Two differed husbands met screened his. Bed was form wife out ask draw. Wholly coming at we no enable. Offending sir delivered questions now new met. Acceptance she interested new boisterous day discretion celebrated.

  • You are my inhalation, I have few blogs and infrequently run out from brand :). “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” by E. B. White.

  • There are actually loads of details like that to take into consideration. That may be a great level to convey up. I supply the thoughts above as basic inspiration but clearly there are questions like the one you convey up where an important thing can be working in sincere good faith. I don?t know if finest practices have emerged round things like that, however I am sure that your job is clearly recognized as a fair game. Each girls and boys feel the impression of only a moment’s pleasure, for the rest of their lives.

  • You can certainly see your skills within the paintings you write. The sector hopes for even more passionate writers such as you who are not afraid to say how they believe. At all times go after your heart. “The most profound joy has more of gravity than of gaiety in it.” by Michel de Montaigne.

  • LOL SMM.NET says:

    There are some interesting points in time on this article but I don’t know if I see all of them heart to heart. There’s some validity however I will take hold opinion until I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we would like more! Added to FeedBurner as well

  • Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very well written article. I’ll be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful information. Thanks for the post. I’ll certainly return.

  • I have learn several good stuff here. Definitely value bookmarking for revisiting. I surprise how so much effort you place to make one of these excellent informative web site.

  • My brother recommended I may like this web site. He was once totally right. This publish truly made my day. You can not believe just how much time I had spent for this information! Thank you!

  • Keep on writing, great job!

  • Thanks a bunch for sharing this with all folks you really realize what you’re talking about! Bookmarked. Kindly additionally talk over with my web site =). We may have a hyperlink trade contract among us!

  • W88 says:

    Thanks for your marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and will come back at some point. I want to encourage continue your great job, have a nice day!

  • Thanks for your suggestions. One thing really noticed is banks and also financial institutions know the spending habits of consumers as well as understand that many people max out there their real credit cards around the vacations. They wisely take advantage of that fact and start flooding the inbox plus snail-mail box along with hundreds of no interest APR card offers soon after the holiday season finishes. Knowing that if you’re like 98% of the American community, you’ll leap at the one opportunity to consolidate credit debt and move balances towards 0 rate credit cards.

  • I was reading some of your posts on this website and I believe this internet site is rattling instructive! Keep putting up.

  • Would you be focused on exchanging hyperlinks?

  • You made various fine points there. I did a search on the matter and found most persons will have the same opinion with your blog.

  • Howdy! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iphone 3gs! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Keep up the great work!

  • In these days of austerity along with relative anxiety about taking on debt, many people balk about the idea of making use of a credit card to make acquisition of merchandise or even pay for a holiday, preferring, instead just to rely on the tried plus trusted procedure for making transaction – cash. However, in case you have the cash there to make the purchase 100 %, then, paradoxically, that is the best time for you to use the credit card for several factors.

  • What i don’t understood is in truth how you’re not actually much more neatly-preferred than you may be now. You’re so intelligent. You already know thus considerably in terms of this subject, produced me personally believe it from so many numerous angles. Its like men and women aren’t fascinated except it is something to do with Woman gaga! Your own stuffs nice. Always handle it up!

  • Thanks for your posting on the travel industry. I will also like to include that if your senior thinking of traveling, it really is absolutely crucial that you buy travel cover for seniors. When traveling, older persons are at high risk of getting a health emergency. Obtaining right insurance package to your age group can safeguard your health and provide you with peace of mind.

Leave a Reply